Sunday, May 22, 2005

Lost on a Sunday Afternoon

Today is Sunday and I feel lost.

I am lying on the grass under a huge pine cone tree (I don't actually know the name of it) on one of the blankets I got at graduation that at one point or another during my Freshman year had holes burnt through it by the ashes of a fire

I keep looking at the sky, which has a perfect blue color. And wondering what it all means.

I didn't go to church today. I don't know why, because when I went to bed last night I had every intention of going. For some reason I just didn't make it.

At least I made it out of bed

I am scared by what this could all mean. Scared because I don't think I have any way of figuring it all out.

I am unhappy and I don't know how to fix it. I was at a party last night and I felt myself opening up to that happy feeling for a few minutes.

It was like in some way I had stepped outside of myself and was watching everything from a distant perspective. A boy paid a little extra attention to me, and for a few moments I was in the middle of a flurry of activity, but then it was all gone.

I had a hard week last week, at one point working 30 hours in 3 days. I didn't go to class for three days straight and I am kicking myself for putting myself in such a position that I have to deal with the agony of being unsure again.; I have to keep myself out of this and remember what is important. Italy is important. Second chances are important.

I need someone. I need someone to talk to. I just don't know how to go about doing it.

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